I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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