sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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