i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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