when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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