Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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