You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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