He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
