You really coming over, don't trick.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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