No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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