So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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