im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
