i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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