weddingsv make me drug and hornr
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
