so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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