i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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