i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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