Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
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Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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