she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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