I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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