I wannas sexs uuuuu
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
