I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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