Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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