be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
