I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize