I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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