so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
