we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
