i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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