shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
