I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
