Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
