Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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