remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He did a backflip because drugs
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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