Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
