Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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