Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
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This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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