did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
they're like a gay fantastic four
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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