I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
