I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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