I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
