The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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