he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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