recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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