it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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