I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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