I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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