apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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