Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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