On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize