I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
