he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
