You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
