she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
