You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
