I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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