You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
