Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
