I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
