Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
