I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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