new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My life is pants optional.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
