I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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